I thînk it takes a lot to look back at what was considered a mountain, see it for what it is and what you have overcome (albeit smaller than first thought)
Yesterday the walls were caving in, the future seemed bleak I was quite satisfied with curling up and wallowing in self pity but today although I am not bouncing off the wall, things don’t seem so bad. Nothing marjor has happened or changed, no revelations in my sleep….. I just know that the sadness only further impacts on my mood.
I simply got up last night, switched off the light, crawled into bed and laid the day to rest.
I woke feeling a little more rested with the understanding that I’ve got stuff to do. Believe me when I tell you that I was tested through the day, after my big “Let go, let God” speech to myself in the car – my first appointment cancelled (making my morning rush pointless), my car broke down twice and even though I forfeit lunch to have it checked – no mechanical faults were found. But I found ways to use the time wisefully
I fully grasp the premise that we can not obtain perfection and I know I’m my own harshest critic but the sooner I come to terms with me, the better
It’s strange that we want people to accept us for who we are but we struggle with accepting ourselves. I’m convinced that technology has stunted our emotional growth. Everything is filters, twelve attempts at uploading pictures, catalogue of selective angles to create an illusion and hashtags of fake lives #fakenews
So this evening I’m reflecting, stepping back to give my situation some perspective –
I’m the common denominator – happiness starts with me
Being a parent and a wife has taught me that no matter how organised, focused and well intended I am, I can not control everything.
Because other humans are involved, there are so many more factors to consider. As I try to get my ducks in a row, my family seem to be either wading water or paddling on a different direction. It’s a struggle to say the least as I often feel that I’m subconsciously battling those that are meant to be on my side.
The crazy thing is that somehow when things don’t go completely to plan, I blame myself
It’s stressful, I spend so much of my time slipping between “warrior mum” and “duvet day” that I’m tired regardless. Tired for being tired or running flat out so I’m tired.
I often wonder whether I’m doing the right thing by them all, whether I should be stepping back and letting life just happen but even that has elements of stress attached or call another family meeting to try and get everyone on the right page.
My desire for a happy home with well behaved kids may just be unobtainable but I’ve seen working models elsewhere. Beyond the Cosby’s (which still strikes me as the most well balanced version on Tv to date) I’ve seen them, sitting in pubs and restaurants laughing, playing and chatting – looking like they are generally interested in each other.
No growling, separating the kids because they can’t get on, no reminders of how to behave in public. My only comfort recently was Kate Middleton fully in “mummy mode” shushing, pointing and caught tight lipped during her sister’s wedding. I could relate – it showed I wasn’t alone, because I spend so much of my time feeling just that….. alone.
You should not stress over things you can not control #mummyism
Can someone please tell my brain this!!
Fully medicated and ready to go…..
So today I met my mate to break bread and have a chin wag. I realised that there are some people in our life’s that are amazing cornerstones.
I know I’m lucky because not many people can have someone that doesn’t require the constant affirmation that your friendship is still alive, freedom to pick up were you left off (whether it’s 3 days, 3 weeks or 6months later) and a nonjudgmental support system
But like all cornerstones, our friendship is often taken for granted …. hence the 3week / 6months.
So today I made a special effort to catch it and I’m glad I did because she watered my soul, gave me a perspective that I was unable to see. She spoke softly, comforting me with sympathetic glances, rather that “I would…. ” advice. Our link up was far to short but due to the commitments of life we decided to make it PART ONE.
Friends are the family we choose
Going to bed grateful because my heart is a little lighter
Clearly it’s not a 24-hour flu because I’m still in bed living out The last hours of my weekend.
Although rest and recharging is good for the body and soul, I’m sure that I have “overslept” and the recharge is debateable as I’ve been yawning for the last half hour.
This will official be known as the “lost weekend” as even when I decided to arise and feel the carpet beneath my feet, it was for a mere 20 minutes – to take an ASOS delivery (it’s the small things) which I’m too weak to open and try on
So I’m going back to bed, calling this weekend quits and hoping that Monday will literally be a fresh start !
There is a cost to the constant change of weather!!
Yesterday the weather bounced from sunny to showers quicker than I could cover my head and as a result my throats had an itch that the coldest water could not scratch…. it literally came on in seconds, raspy voice (not the sexy kind), blocked nose that still had the ability to run and temperature that would allow bacon to cook on my back.
I’m ruined !!
I could barely raise my head to respond let alone type so today you get a double dose / post
I’m officially feeling sorry for myself and think I’ve been put in isolation as no one has popped their head round the door in hours.
Emotions are officially on the back burner today as I don’t have any energy to give beyond sipping honey and lemon. But it is funny how we can over analyse things when we are bed bound…. the best description for today is Loved but ignored
I’ll snap out of it I promise but if you see this post become 6,7 & 8 – it’s because these home remedies are not working
Today has been so busy that I’m having to steal time from #day 6 to complete this post…. I know I’m going to pay for it in the morning and I will apologies for my tardiness (I know I will look back and think its messy in context and lacking structure) but that’s the beauty of real life and sometimes it is what it is!!
I often try to fit more that 24 hours can hold and the boundaries of time are blurred to completed tasks, goals and promises that seems possible at the beginning.
Believe me I know I’m not superwoman and the levels of expectation that I have placed on myself are near to impossible but whilst they are not completely insane I will continue to strive to achieve them.
Somethings will remain a “rolling task” on my list of still to complete but I can accept that and as for now I’m doing my thing.
Busy seems to work for me, it’s a noted avoidance tactic but thats what keeps the ship afloat
Today hasn’t been the worst, although the weather is dictating that black and winter wear should still be very much part of the essential wardrobe….. Come on Sun!! If nothing else I need the vitamin D.
With the to do list long and thriving, I’m off to bed…. tomorrow is Friday (my fav) I’m wanna meet her fresh in the real morning so tonight, no more ticking things off….. it is what it is x
Do you ever get the feeling that people have the ability to acknowledge your presence yet see right through you?? #Confused? Don’t be….
I’ve been so busy with work today that I’ve had no time to wallow in self pity – which is a plus.
But I’ve noticed that there are people in my life (be it close or on the periphery) that can barely see me beyond their own needs. I know it’s human nature but it’s a knock of confidence if your only invited into the circle as a problem solver / fixer / resolver.
It’s like being the “funny one” invited for the entertainment, but not every day is comedy sketch and we all possess more characteristics than the ones our friends want to “exploit”…. it makes me sad… what happen to the days when hanging out was not a beneficial transaction??
I feel a rant coming on…..
I’ve been so busy today, that the noise of my emotions could be muted, not switched off because I don’t know if I will ever have the power to switch them off but at least it was whispers (not literally – don’t worry) rather than all consuming.
Now would be a great time to pen a letter to me saying “you’ll look back and laugh” but the joke is currently missed and the riddles that are my thoughts require a solution I can not find. My outlets are limited, as there are very few I trust with anything as big as my inner thoughts.
So I’m required to get on with it until the feeling subsides.
Until then I’ll remain visibly invisible
So it’s early doors (day 3) and I’m struggling, figured it was pointless coming here and giving an inspired speech about positivity when I’m feeling so low…..
I just don’t get it!! The sun is shining, the kids are washed and tucked in bed and today thankfully has been drama free but I just feel like u wanna put a blanket over my head and hide from the world.
I know that not everyday will be full of “things that dreams are made of” and this would be a good time to introduce one of the many sayings of my mum….
“Theres someone out there that would dream for your worst day” #mummyism
But that’s just it, this isn’t my worst day…. it’s just another day of feeling bad for not feeling great.
Trying to shake it but the feeling is just niggling at me, my mind is too full right now and although I can see concerned eyes silently begging me to open up, I can’t /won’t …. call it what you want.
I’m not ready…
So I wade in my feelings, until this feeling subsides
After what has been a quiet but productive weekend, I have entered into this new week with positivity busting from my veins.
The world is a much better place when you look at it with a plan and direction, which is standard Monday Morning talk (I get it)
But I’m feeling great today despite the weather being pants and the bank account screaming for payday.
I’ve noticed that my attitude has an impact on my kids and as I’m not a morning person, I really struggle with being “bright and breezy” before midday but I’m determined to start each day with a positive mind and reap the benefits throughout the day
Start as you mean to go on….
This rain needs to stop though, it’s altering my days plans. As the rain kept coming with small breaks in between, I’ve learnt that procrastination is a thing of power…. It’s so easy to create barriers, excuses, slow down and put things off but the real victory comes from identifying it, challenging it, getting up and “doing”.
Side note – Everytime I procrastinate I regret it and every time I challenge it, I ultimately feel better.
One hour easily turns into two, procrastination is a thing !!! And it lives in me …..
So I’ve decided to have an open diary for 21 days.
They say if you do something consistently for 21 days it will become habit, so for the next 21 days I will be breaking old habits and making new more positive ones.
I’ve seen blog versions and found it quite encouraging. I’m starting it on a lazy Sunday, first one in ages where mum duties have low requirements and the house although not a “showroom standard” it also is not the bomb site it can be.
I’m catching up on my TVs series, which I have neglected due to low days and recent events. Dinner is prepped but the day is young.
I’m almost unsettled in pressing “publish” coz there is not much to report but I’m glad, as I’ve often wished for a moment to stand still and let the dust settle.
Today is likely to have two posts, as this feels too short for a first post
so bye for now…….