Emotion · Letters · Relationship

Who are you ? 

Has anything ever happened in your life that makes you question who you are?? 

I mean really rocked your core and changed your preception or question your identity 

Is this because we benchmark ourselves against our surroundings, judge our character on those closest to us? 

I'm so unsure , because who I was two weeks ago is not who I am today, through no fault of my own, not because of my actions but because what I believed to be my foundation has changed and with it my moral compass and identity.

It's kind of unfair

I'm completely unprepared for this change and with it comes a different view on those around me. They are different because I am different.

Hard to explain but it raises the question of what makes us, us? 

Until this point I thought the only thing that could change me was me but now I know that it's so much more complex than that. 

So I start this journey again, like a teenager navigating life – I try to find / define myself 

Emotion · Friendship · Love · Random · Relationship

Needy or Deserving?

Am I needy??

The best thing you can do for humanity is to go home and love your family #motherteresa

I think it’s so important that we invest in our families, broken kids grow into broken adults and broken adults are hard to fix. It’s the same with relationships – investment is everything!!

How can relationships continue to grown without the input from both parties ? 

I often wonder if, after a decade of being in a relationship and some years married, my constant need to keep our relationship alive can appear needy but I think that people that grow apart don’t initially see it coming. It’s so easy to get caught in a routine and if that routine does not include quality time then what do you expect when you wake up one morning and realise that your spouse is merely your room mate and the connection is simply for necessity rather than desire.

Not me !! No sir!! That’s not my portion

But I do think it’s hard, whether it be misaligned love languages, levels of expectations, benchmarks of past relationships or just busy lifestyles – I think if you’re in a relationship then you must invest. Reaping and sowing comes to mind, it also must not be one sided, I’ve found that when I’m trying so hard to make quality time and it is overlooked I feel like I’m begging for something that I deserve. Then resentment can grow and the feeling of being taking for granted can creep in. 

What defines us are our priorities in life 

Please correct me if I’m wrong but if you’ve married someone you consider your friend, than are you being needy wanting to spend time with them? Isn’t that what separates you from the average Joe.

Then the overanalysist in me says that being called or seen as needy is purely deflecting from their lack of desire to spend time.

There’s also the issue of finding time…… I must admit the quiet moments in this house are few and far between so when they appear there is the temptation to want to spend it alone (watch trash Tv, call back your mate for a gossip or simply lay in a dark room enjoying the silence) but it’s bucking the trend and doing a few of these things together that shows effort and makes the difference.

So the jury is out…… Deserving or needy?? 

Emotion · Letters · Love · Relationship · Women

Consumed by fear….. 

Today I find myself sitting on my bathroom floor in tears…..

With the Tv up high to mask my muffled sobs, I only have the cold floor as comfort. My mind is so full I pull for the iPad to track my raw emotions.

Today I have come to terms with the fact that I am consumed by fear. I’ve always known that I overanalyse things to weigh up (or introduce) all the negatives to stop me from stepping into being the best version of me 

I’m so scared to fail….. 

Fully rejecting the prospect that I may actually succeed and be good at something, I find a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t. I honestly couldn’t tell you what failure looks like to me, I just know that I live daily with the fear that it will be my final destination. The worst thing is that I know I’m destined to be so much greater than I am or my “safe” goals, but I hate the thought that it may not work out

So many people talk about the journey and learning from your mistakes but I’m seeking the perfect journey, the easy route if you will but the first barrier I always encounter is ME and the second is that there’s no perfect journey 🙄

I’m so trapped by my emotions but instead of putting on some leggings, opening the door and just going for a walk (it’s 10pm to give some context) I’m choking on my thoughts on my bathroom floor…… why?? Because I’m scared…. scared it will not be any mental relief, scared something will happen…robbed, mugged, snatched, murdered … dramatic ?? Yup as I don’t live in the ghetto, I’m very close to a well lit main road in fact but it is this inability to do that is in fact my bigger problem.

I actually spend a good 10 minutes shooshing myself as the tears of today’s frustration run. Literally whisper “stop it, be quiet, stop crying”. I’m just so over it all. 

Not in a suicidial, report me for my safety kind of way – it’s more of a hand hands in the air / why can’t things be simple / what’s the point kind of feeling. I just feel like I’m stuck. This is not a cry for help as I have told those around me how I feel, my problem is that no one is listening, actively listening…..  Or maybe they are, but it’s not enough of an issue for them to action on it. 

I’m gonna look like trash tomorrow, I’m sure I’ve caught a cold in my eye as the lid is slightly swollen from the tears and cold air, but this feeling of under appreciation is weighing heavy on my heart, to be honest it’s making me resent those around me that only see how I can benefit them but invest very little into keeping our relationship alive. 

But sadly I don’t have the energy to carry myself and them so I’m placing a pause on everything, sitting firmly in my fears on my bathroom floor. 

I need to shake it off, get off the floor, put down the pad and do something, anything, just to keep me physical busy. 

Ultimately, I need to tackle the fear, find a comfort in myself that is able mute the negativity and not care about others feelings. I need to grow….. in confidence, self belief, I need to like me more.

Emotion · Random · Relationship

Chasing shadows

It’s amazing how someone can make a comment and it plays on your mind and can even alter you actions / reactions. 

Today I was fully tested, I have by 6 degrees of separation been in interaction with this person but we have never physically met. I knew I didn’t like them as our morals were not aligned, I was not happy with how they carried themselves and how their behaviour had an impact on me but nevertheless until this point they had been merely a shadow. 

I call them this as I am fully aware of their existence but know that their presence is temporary. 

I had been told not to worry but when no one was looking – I was trying to seek them out. I don’t like the unknown, suprises, not impressed that my instincts were not being taken seriously. But today it all made sense 

In completely twisted logic , the sun came out today – We came face to face and they really were nothing to worry about (a mess in fact) and like all shadows – they began to shrink in character once they had realised that I was there. 

I was able to walk away knowing that they had their chance and did not take it 

#riddles ? Maybe but it speaks to me (I get it) 

Emotion · Friendship · Letters · Love · Relationship · Women

The Power of “Advice”

It’s crazy that we live in a world where everything is so easy, accessible, disposable even – that we are constantly looking for a quick fix. 

When the walls of your life start to tumble, we tend to look for people who have their ish together and seek out their advice – I’ve often been that person that people turn to and I think I’m quite good at giving a balanced view. 

But I always lead with the disclaimer that my advice is purely “my take” on the situation and it is more of an opinion than an instruction. This is so important that I make this clear because I know the power of my words. 

Think about it….. when you share your opinion there is no legal requirement to follow through, it should not damage your friendship (if not taken) and it is more than likely influenced by your own personal experiences or situations that have happened around you. 

Giving advice can be a battle between your moral compass and past circumstance 

If you do not allow your personal experiences to completely cloud your judgement, you should be offering an outside perspective that it’s hard to see when engulfed by the problem but I hear so often that friends are fueling the anger of those seeking advice and siding with them through misguided loyalty 

This is dangerous and made me think about the power of our advice….. 

The flip side is that once the situation has been shared, it can alter your opinion of other parties involved and this too may have an impact on future advice – So we need to be careful who we share information with.

I just know I wouldn’t go to someone bankrupt for money advice, so when it comes to relationships I also look at the track record. 

Judgemental ? Possibly but we have to protect our minds as much as our hearts. Remember the power of advice and the difference between that and just wanting to offload (vent with no dialogue) 

A planted seed (good or bad) has the potential to grow. 

Emotion · Friendship · Letters · Love · Relationship · Uncategorized · Women

A problem shared….

Some say a problem shared is a problem halved….. for me sharing my problem is the equivalent of pointing out my weakness and exposing things that I consider failings….. whether or not they are my fault, they are associated to me and that is enough to make me clam up and keep it all in.

I also feel that speaking it, confirms its existence – whatever the problem may be. So I’m back writing instead as a way of releasing it and I suppose in a small way halving it by (kinda) sharing it with you.

If you are the strong, silent type that is able to read situations, predict reactions or outcomes and solve problems then you will understand why I get perplexed about my own issues and my upset at my lack of solutions  – it feels like a short coming.

I just wanna be happy.

But the “Real” happy, genuinely happy as I have so many dark days…. even with the sun shining and loved ones around I question it all. My trust is low and worrying about external presception has become an element of daily life. Sometimes I question is real happiness even exists, I feel like some people around me have tasted it (at the very least) but I am also aware that how we present is not always what takes place behind closed doors.

I am yet to find a sustainable solution so I just keep marching on, mask firmly in place

Think I will start #21 days of blogging…. so I can review my thoughts

Emotion · Friendship · Random · Relationship · Uncategorized · Women

No adult-ing today 

You know them days when you wake up and have a list of responsible, sensible things to do but instead you spend the morning in bed, in the rabbit holes that are Instagram and Pinterest ??

So I’m chalking it down to experience and taking the stress out of the situation by rescheduling the things that are not most important and having a chill day….. I deserve it!! 

I’ve spent so much time beating myself up for wanting an extended duvet day but feeling like I was letting the world down . But I’ve learnt (slowly) that “you can’t be all things to all people” , so today I’m just doing me …. 

Advice to me: (pep talk) Its not selfish to take care of yourself 

  I’m just not adulting today 

Emotion · Letters · Love · Relationship · Women

Can you hear me ?? 

It’s crazy that you can sit in a room that is so quiet but yet the thoughts are drowning out all outside noise.

So much has happened this past month that I’ve had to keep busy so that I wasn’t alone with my thoughts. It’s almost scary that I’m intentionally avoiding thinking because I know the power of my own thoughts.

But I know I’m delaying the inevitable, shelving my emotions, knowing that the box will be opened when I least expect it – when I’m no more prepared then this very moment ….. 

Dramatic?? Probably but it’s the only way to describe the burden of an overactive, over analytical mind 

I can fix others, but who will fix me ? 

For now , we box it, shelf it and move on 

I’m functioning, but can you hear me??