Today I find myself sitting on my bathroom floor in tears…..
With the Tv up high to mask my muffled sobs, I only have the cold floor as comfort. My mind is so full I pull for the iPad to track my raw emotions.
Today I have come to terms with the fact that I am consumed by fear. I’ve always known that I overanalyse things to weigh up (or introduce) all the negatives to stop me from stepping into being the best version of me
I’m so scared to fail…..
Fully rejecting the prospect that I may actually succeed and be good at something, I find a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t. I honestly couldn’t tell you what failure looks like to me, I just know that I live daily with the fear that it will be my final destination. The worst thing is that I know I’m destined to be so much greater than I am or my “safe” goals, but I hate the thought that it may not work out
So many people talk about the journey and learning from your mistakes but I’m seeking the perfect journey, the easy route if you will but the first barrier I always encounter is ME and the second is that there’s no perfect journey 🙄
I’m so trapped by my emotions but instead of putting on some leggings, opening the door and just going for a walk (it’s 10pm to give some context) I’m choking on my thoughts on my bathroom floor…… why?? Because I’m scared…. scared it will not be any mental relief, scared something will happen…robbed, mugged, snatched, murdered … dramatic ?? Yup as I don’t live in the ghetto, I’m very close to a well lit main road in fact but it is this inability to do that is in fact my bigger problem.
I actually spend a good 10 minutes shooshing myself as the tears of today’s frustration run. Literally whisper “stop it, be quiet, stop crying”. I’m just so over it all.
Not in a suicidial, report me for my safety kind of way – it’s more of a hand hands in the air / why can’t things be simple / what’s the point kind of feeling. I just feel like I’m stuck. This is not a cry for help as I have told those around me how I feel, my problem is that no one is listening, actively listening….. Or maybe they are, but it’s not enough of an issue for them to action on it.
I’m gonna look like trash tomorrow, I’m sure I’ve caught a cold in my eye as the lid is slightly swollen from the tears and cold air, but this feeling of under appreciation is weighing heavy on my heart, to be honest it’s making me resent those around me that only see how I can benefit them but invest very little into keeping our relationship alive.
But sadly I don’t have the energy to carry myself and them so I’m placing a pause on everything, sitting firmly in my fears on my bathroom floor.
I need to shake it off, get off the floor, put down the pad and do something, anything, just to keep me physical busy.
Ultimately, I need to tackle the fear, find a comfort in myself that is able mute the negativity and not care about others feelings. I need to grow….. in confidence, self belief, I need to like me more.