I think I need to be hypnotised 😔
I swear …..All week, all bloody week I have been stressing over my weigh in but does that stop me from stuffing my fact … Big fat (like me) NO!!!!
The shiver of joy that I got when I did a midweek bathroom scale jump… and I was down a few pounds but clearly I have shares in Papa Johns and didn’t want to disappoint him by not depositing money this month…… and now it’s Sunday and after a full plate, I’m sitting in what can only be described as the land of misery…… flipping heck, when will I learn 🙄
There will be on justice in the world if I’ve put on weigh and although a neutral balance is my worst cases scenario, a loss is what I need right now
Squash it, I’m gonna hula hoop for an 30 minutes to burn some calories and kiss my dessert good bye until after the weigh in
This is misery
Don’t ask me why but I’ve just clocked that there are only 6 days between each weigh in. I treat them like a week apart but actually just 6 days. This is me looking for the positives in this dreaded snow day.
To be trapped in doors for most of the day so scary because that’s when boredom becomes “fake” hunger. In my mix of calorie counting, 16/8, slimming world diet I am trying hard not to clear the kitchen of all sweet treats. I didn’t eat until 11am (I’m doing more of a 15/9 or even 14/10 🙄) and made a pack with myself to stop eating at 8pm …… It’s currently 10:30pm and I’m still on plan and sipping on the water now.
I had the unmanageable urge to jump on the scale today and was pleasantly surprised but this was met with extreme self doubt as it would be a loss that I would have to maintain for 3 1/2 days (weigh-in at 5pm Monday) …. with the dreaded weekend in the mix. Add the snow days, cold and desire for comfort food and I will be begging for a “no loss / no gain” unless I workout what the changes will be. Soooooo my thinking caps is on
If I’m calculating it wrong, Please tell me….. Today’s calories – 1,112 – SW syns 25 1/2 (the crisp ruined it 😔)
- Red bush and vanilla tea with brown sugar and dash of milk 120 – SW 2 1/2 (for sugar)
- 2 fried eggs 180 SW free
- Oil spray 4 SW 1/2 syn
- Seeded thins – 116 SW 5/12 HE
- Butter 10g – 47 SW 1
- Ketchup 15g – 12 SW 1
- Pork with Jerk sauce – 280 SW 1 1/2 for sauce
- Baked sweet potato 103 SW free
- Bavaria shandy 90 SW 5 1/2
- Roast chicken crisp – 132 SW 6 1/2
- Hot dog (sausage) – 30 – SW 1 1/2 (wasted dead calories as I didn’t enjoy it)
How long before a repeated action becomes a habit ??
I’ve set out loads of great tasks set out to make 2018 amazing and I’m flopping already, at day 11……….. DAY 11!!
It’s not like I don’t think the tasks will make me a better person or enhance the life’s of those around me. I just can’t motivate myself to stay on track, I start everyday with a positive attitude and ready for change but in the same vein, every day is full of temptation or procrastination.
How can my old weight be my GOAL weight!! #theshame
I’m really annoyed because had I know this was how it would pan out, I would have been more content then!!
Clearly I’m not disgusted enough with myself….. I just don’t get – Answers on a postcard please
Anyway, after much discussion with my mate, it’s time to commit!!
Today’s lesson – making a change is great, committing to that change is even better !!
Literally EVERY DAY
I have 3 weddings to attend in a few months and I don’t wanna be “Fat Amy” at all 3!!! ……. but the desire to change is overturned by my LOVE for food.
It could be considered an abusive relationship so much harder than other addictions because you need food to survive.
I feel like I’ve tried EVERYTHING!!!!!!! Well nearly, so decided that Slimming World would have to be the option of choice (with a mix of calorie counting because I can’t get my head around the Syns). I’ve given myself 2 months because that’s the date of the first wedding, so the last 3 weeks have been a tragedy but feel this is the turning point
Week 1 – 4lb down (Did I try….. fuck no but I made small changes and got results)
Week 2 – 1lb gained 😡 (Clearly the small success has gone to my head and I eat my weight in fast food and sweets, truthfully I’m lucky it wasn’t more)
Week 3 – 0.5lb down (again some small changes but the weekends are a curse to me…… I need to make significant changes and commit)
So…… we are at week 4 – today I didn’t eat until 3pm as it’s snowing and I was mega busy but although I had a yoghurt in my bag I chose to have KFC (a simple snack box full of bag choices) followed by a hot cross bun and mint tea (to try and create some balance) Another downhill day – ok on calories but the Syns have hit the roof.
Worst still I’m twiddling my thumbs (starving)
Today’s calories – 813 – SW 26.5 (disaster) KFC chicken breast – 320 SW 6 syns
- KFC chips – 228 SW 6 syns
- Heinz BBQ Sauce (packet) 10. SW 2 syns
- Asda hot cross bun – 186 SW 10 syns ( unsatisfying and screwed everything)
- Tbsp butter – 31 SW 1 syn
- Mint tea (2 cubes brown sugar) 32 SW. 1syn
- Polo mint sweet 7 0.5 syn
First day back at work and I’m like ….. “Nah, this ain’t for me …… ”
Like kids on the first day of school or you on the first day back at the gym …. I’m knackered and to top it off with mummy duties would be a step too far but had to be done (reluctantly).
I’m literally camped out in the front room because the 25 steps to the stairs and 13 treads up to my bedroom is too much to bare, even though the clock is ticking and bedtime has passed, I’m camped out hoping someone will come and carry me up…… side note – this is never gonna happen, no one in this house that that level of empathy, pity or compassion.
To top it off, the thought of having to do it all again tomorrow makes the 25 steps and 13 treads even more stressful.
I want to be out there living my best life but bills need to be paid and responsibilities covered but despite my moaning I actually like what I do.
But I do feel like there is more out there for me and it’s a matter of time before I’m in a position to do it full time. But for now, it’s time to get up, make that first step towards the bedroom and mentally prep myself for the rest of the week.
Today’s lesson – the first step is the hardest
So today was my last day of freedom before I return to work next week. It was meant to be full of personal achievements, box ticking and all round completion….. but it was interrupted by other around me and some how I end up in the town centre with shopping bags (breaking no spend January- 5 days in).
My only victory was the timeframe and underspend, basically I convinced myself I didn’t need that top that I’m now trolling the internet looking and I parked in a place where I was time restricted to stop it being a “day out”
But it still appeared to be all downhill from there, although I am now a proud owner of a yoga mat, 24 hours have passed and I missed today’s session. Then we had family visit so the evening tasks were swapped for laughter and dining out.
I even missed the bloggers deadline….. but in true “me” fashion and with the optimism that 2018 is more about the long game and creating change rather than beating myself up for my failures, I’m here at 3.34am giving you #day5 with the plan to do 2 sessions of yoga in the morning (later)
Today’s lesson – better late than never, but never late is better…….. Drake
Day 3 and the struggle sets in…..
I have to keep telling myself you can start any day ….. it doesn’t have to be Monday, the 1st, the beginning of the day, week, month or year. You just have to say it’s your day one and you want to make a start. So although I got up this morning and was convinced that just 72 hours into the new year I had missed the boat and some changes would have to wait until another time.
I had so many things, challenges and tasks and I was gonna start them all on the first of January and although I had begun some new things, there were others that I just didn’t begin BUT after the usual cycle of doubting myself and disbelief in my own abilities……. I started!!
Along with the blogging, I will be doing 30 days of yoga….. I’m two sessions in and feeling better for it
I’m guessing today’s lesson is …… You wanna start something? Then start !!
Some say a problem shared is a problem halved….. for me sharing my problem is the equivalent of pointing out my weakness and exposing things that I consider failings….. whether or not they are my fault, they are associated to me and that is enough to make me clam up and keep it all in.
I also feel that speaking it, confirms its existence – whatever the problem may be. So I’m back writing instead as a way of releasing it and I suppose in a small way halving it by (kinda) sharing it with you.
If you are the strong, silent type that is able to read situations, predict reactions or outcomes and solve problems then you will understand why I get perplexed about my own issues and my upset at my lack of solutions – it feels like a short coming.
I just wanna be happy.
But the “Real” happy, genuinely happy as I have so many dark days…. even with the sun shining and loved ones around I question it all. My trust is low and worrying about external presception has become an element of daily life. Sometimes I question is real happiness even exists, I feel like some people around me have tasted it (at the very least) but I am also aware that how we present is not always what takes place behind closed doors.
I am yet to find a sustainable solution so I just keep marching on, mask firmly in place
Think I will start #21 days of blogging…. so I can review my thoughts
You know them days when you wake up and have a list of responsible, sensible things to do but instead you spend the morning in bed, in the rabbit holes that are Instagram and Pinterest ??
So I’m chalking it down to experience and taking the stress out of the situation by rescheduling the things that are not most important and having a chill day….. I deserve it!!
I’ve spent so much time beating myself up for wanting an extended duvet day but feeling like I was letting the world down . But I’ve learnt (slowly) that “you can’t be all things to all people” , so today I’m just doing me ….
Advice to me: (pep talk) Its not selfish to take care of yourself
I’m just not adulting today
This should be scary as it’s my way back to writing ….. that’s why I’ve kept the picture, as I am dipping my foot into the pool of emotions and writing.
I miss the relief that it brings and the escape that it can provide. If I do hit the public button, I hope you will find understanding in my words.