#21daysblogging · Random

#Day 13 Crawling outside my Comfort Zone 

No matter how slow you think you are progressing, you are still overtaking everyone on the couch. #trainingmotto

 Day 13…… Unlucky for some

Today was full of barriers, self doubt, hurdles, my mind mixed with circumstances was screwing with me. Dramatic? Not today…. first my car was playing up – no problem will plan my journey and get the train *shudder*, then the bus to take me to the station did not turn up meaning I missed the desired train. Still workable, will reroute and take a later train from a different station….. get to station with seconds to spare and confused lady with buggy blocks my path and I miss the train!!

Right I’m sweating now, hair is frizzing, the air is thick with not a whisper of wind to cool me down. I’m ready to give up – call it a day and head back home. Everything is telling that this course is not meant for me – my business partner can’t come, I don’t wanna be late and I cant seem to get there!

I call my mate as I head back down the station stairs, explain the situation and she scoffs at me “Is that all it takes to give up? This is what happens outside your comfort zone…. go …. be amazing, if it’s this hard it will be worth it” So I turn on my heels, get the next scheduled train 5 minutes later and by God’s grace get there with 10 minutes to space #gofigure

The training session is about public speaking and anyone that knows me , knows I can talk for Britain but put me face to face with a “real professional / expert” or in front of a big group and I’m useless. Within the first 5 minutes the trainer explains that this is an interactive session and we will be doing most of the talking. I look around the room at all these confidence, professional women with business cards placed in plain sight ready for networking…. I shrink into my seat but as we are taught tips, tricks, share stories and gain structure. I’m ready to get in the thick of it and change the world !!

Under normal circumstances I would not have even entered the room but today just felt different, I feel the accountability of the blog also helped. What would I present if I had not attended? Excuses make us lose our authenticity but the truth is also not a great show of character if we do not try.

Needless to say my pitch was pants but it was an amazing starting point, I met some amazing women, learn something new about myself and my project ….. it was an all round win.

They say the magic happens outside of your comfort zone and I’m inclined to agree

Today was magical .

Emotion · Friendship · Love · Random · Relationship

Needy or Deserving?

Am I needy??

The best thing you can do for humanity is to go home and love your family #motherteresa

I think it’s so important that we invest in our families, broken kids grow into broken adults and broken adults are hard to fix. It’s the same with relationships – investment is everything!!

How can relationships continue to grown without the input from both parties ? 

I often wonder if, after a decade of being in a relationship and some years married, my constant need to keep our relationship alive can appear needy but I think that people that grow apart don’t initially see it coming. It’s so easy to get caught in a routine and if that routine does not include quality time then what do you expect when you wake up one morning and realise that your spouse is merely your room mate and the connection is simply for necessity rather than desire.

Not me !! No sir!! That’s not my portion

But I do think it’s hard, whether it be misaligned love languages, levels of expectations, benchmarks of past relationships or just busy lifestyles – I think if you’re in a relationship then you must invest. Reaping and sowing comes to mind, it also must not be one sided, I’ve found that when I’m trying so hard to make quality time and it is overlooked I feel like I’m begging for something that I deserve. Then resentment can grow and the feeling of being taking for granted can creep in. 

What defines us are our priorities in life 

Please correct me if I’m wrong but if you’ve married someone you consider your friend, than are you being needy wanting to spend time with them? Isn’t that what separates you from the average Joe.

Then the overanalysist in me says that being called or seen as needy is purely deflecting from their lack of desire to spend time.

There’s also the issue of finding time…… I must admit the quiet moments in this house are few and far between so when they appear there is the temptation to want to spend it alone (watch trash Tv, call back your mate for a gossip or simply lay in a dark room enjoying the silence) but it’s bucking the trend and doing a few of these things together that shows effort and makes the difference.

So the jury is out…… Deserving or needy?? 

#21daysblogging

#Day 12 Thursday has the Friday feeling….

Chilled day!!!! 

Did all things that were required then I began planning my son’s birthday. 

Birthdays have a weird way of measuring your successes against your life’s plan. What did you want to be at 15 ? You there yet?? 

My son is definitely one of my greatest achievements. He’s young enough to still want to give me hugs (which I love) but old enough to understand the world around him, so I also enjoy hearing his views on the world. Gosh I look at him and realise that if he’s getting older then so am I. 

My own birthday is slowly creeping up and I have no clue what I will do. I’m the planner that doesn’t want to plan, I’m forever looking for inventive, creative ways to celebrate others birthday and just wish someone would take the initiative to plan something for me. When it comes to birthday surprises, I am forever the bridesmaids never the bride.

Was also able to do some retail therapy today but the worry about tomorrow’s bank balance made “the high” short lived. 

I kid you not that as I type I’m also mentally making a note of what I need to send back. #sadtimes.

Tomorrow I’m doing the unthinkable….. stepping outside of my comfort zone and testing my resilience.

Go me!! 

#21daysblogging

#Day 11 Perspective ….. 

I thînk it takes a lot to look back at what was considered a mountain, see it for what it is and what you have overcome (albeit smaller than first thought)

Yesterday the walls were caving in, the future seemed bleak I was quite satisfied with curling up and wallowing in self pity but today although I am not bouncing off the wall, things don’t seem so bad. Nothing marjor has happened or changed, no revelations in my sleep….. I just know that the sadness only further impacts on my mood.

I simply got up last night, switched off the light, crawled into bed and laid the day to rest.

I woke feeling a little more rested with the understanding that I’ve got stuff to do. Believe me when I tell you that I was tested through the day, after my big “Let go, let God” speech to myself in the car –  my first appointment cancelled (making my morning rush pointless), my car broke down twice and even though I forfeit lunch to have it checked – no mechanical faults were found. But I found ways to use the time wisefully

I fully grasp the premise that we can not obtain perfection and I know I’m my own harshest critic but the sooner I come to terms with me, the better

It’s strange that we want people to accept us for who we are but we struggle with accepting ourselves. I’m convinced that technology has stunted our emotional growth. Everything is filters, twelve attempts at uploading pictures, catalogue of selective angles to create an illusion and hashtags of fake lives #fakenews

So this evening I’m reflecting, stepping back to give my situation some perspective –

I’m the common denominator – happiness starts with me

Emotion · Letters · Love · Relationship · Women

Consumed by fear….. 

Today I find myself sitting on my bathroom floor in tears…..

With the Tv up high to mask my muffled sobs, I only have the cold floor as comfort. My mind is so full I pull for the iPad to track my raw emotions.

Today I have come to terms with the fact that I am consumed by fear. I’ve always known that I overanalyse things to weigh up (or introduce) all the negatives to stop me from stepping into being the best version of me 

I’m so scared to fail….. 

Fully rejecting the prospect that I may actually succeed and be good at something, I find a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t. I honestly couldn’t tell you what failure looks like to me, I just know that I live daily with the fear that it will be my final destination. The worst thing is that I know I’m destined to be so much greater than I am or my “safe” goals, but I hate the thought that it may not work out

So many people talk about the journey and learning from your mistakes but I’m seeking the perfect journey, the easy route if you will but the first barrier I always encounter is ME and the second is that there’s no perfect journey 🙄

I’m so trapped by my emotions but instead of putting on some leggings, opening the door and just going for a walk (it’s 10pm to give some context) I’m choking on my thoughts on my bathroom floor…… why?? Because I’m scared…. scared it will not be any mental relief, scared something will happen…robbed, mugged, snatched, murdered … dramatic ?? Yup as I don’t live in the ghetto, I’m very close to a well lit main road in fact but it is this inability to do that is in fact my bigger problem.

I actually spend a good 10 minutes shooshing myself as the tears of today’s frustration run. Literally whisper “stop it, be quiet, stop crying”. I’m just so over it all. 

Not in a suicidial, report me for my safety kind of way – it’s more of a hand hands in the air / why can’t things be simple / what’s the point kind of feeling. I just feel like I’m stuck. This is not a cry for help as I have told those around me how I feel, my problem is that no one is listening, actively listening…..  Or maybe they are, but it’s not enough of an issue for them to action on it. 

I’m gonna look like trash tomorrow, I’m sure I’ve caught a cold in my eye as the lid is slightly swollen from the tears and cold air, but this feeling of under appreciation is weighing heavy on my heart, to be honest it’s making me resent those around me that only see how I can benefit them but invest very little into keeping our relationship alive. 

But sadly I don’t have the energy to carry myself and them so I’m placing a pause on everything, sitting firmly in my fears on my bathroom floor. 

I need to shake it off, get off the floor, put down the pad and do something, anything, just to keep me physical busy. 

Ultimately, I need to tackle the fear, find a comfort in myself that is able mute the negativity and not care about others feelings. I need to grow….. in confidence, self belief, I need to like me more.

#21daysblogging

#Day 10 Beyond my control

Being a parent and a wife has taught me that no matter how organised, focused and well intended I am, I can not control everything. 

Because other humans are involved, there are so many more factors to consider. As I try to get my ducks in a row, my family seem to be either wading water or paddling on a different direction. It’s a struggle to say the least as I often feel that I’m subconsciously battling those that are meant to be on my side. 

The crazy thing is that somehow when things don’t go completely to plan, I blame myself 

It’s stressful, I spend so much of my time slipping between “warrior mum” and “duvet day” that I’m tired regardless. Tired for being tired or running flat out so I’m tired.

I often wonder whether I’m doing the right thing by them all, whether I should be stepping back and letting life just happen but even that has elements of stress attached or call another family meeting to try and get everyone on the right page.

My desire for a happy home with well behaved kids may just be unobtainable but I’ve seen working models elsewhere. Beyond the Cosby’s (which still strikes me as the most well balanced version on Tv to date) I’ve seen them, sitting in pubs and restaurants laughing, playing and chatting – looking like they are generally interested in each other. 

No growling, separating the kids because they can’t get on, no reminders of how to behave in public. My only comfort recently was Kate Middleton fully in “mummy mode” shushing, pointing and caught tight lipped during her sister’s wedding. I could relate – it showed I wasn’t alone, because I spend so much of my time feeling just that….. alone. 

You should not stress over things you can not control #mummyism

Can someone please tell my brain this!! 

Emotion · Random · Relationship

Chasing shadows

It’s amazing how someone can make a comment and it plays on your mind and can even alter you actions / reactions. 

Today I was fully tested, I have by 6 degrees of separation been in interaction with this person but we have never physically met. I knew I didn’t like them as our morals were not aligned, I was not happy with how they carried themselves and how their behaviour had an impact on me but nevertheless until this point they had been merely a shadow. 

I call them this as I am fully aware of their existence but know that their presence is temporary. 

I had been told not to worry but when no one was looking – I was trying to seek them out. I don’t like the unknown, suprises, not impressed that my instincts were not being taken seriously. But today it all made sense 

In completely twisted logic , the sun came out today – We came face to face and they really were nothing to worry about (a mess in fact) and like all shadows – they began to shrink in character once they had realised that I was there. 

I was able to walk away knowing that they had their chance and did not take it 

#riddles ? Maybe but it speaks to me (I get it) 

#21daysblogging

#Day 9 Forever friends 

Fully medicated and ready to go…..

So today I met my mate to break bread and have a chin wag. I realised that there are some people in our life’s that are amazing cornerstones. 

I know I’m lucky because not many people can have someone that doesn’t require the constant affirmation that your friendship is still alive, freedom to pick up were you left off (whether it’s 3 days, 3 weeks or 6months later) and a nonjudgmental support system 

But like all cornerstones, our friendship is often taken for granted …. hence the 3week / 6months. 

So today I made a special effort to catch it and I’m glad I did because she watered my soul, gave me a perspective that I was unable to see. She spoke softly, comforting me with sympathetic glances, rather that “I would…. ” advice. Our link up was far to short but due to the commitments of life we decided to make it PART ONE. 

Friends are the family we choose

Going to bed grateful because my heart is a little lighter

#21daysblogging

#Day 8 Duvet day

Clearly it’s not a 24-hour flu because I’m still in bed living out The last hours of my weekend.

Although rest and recharging is good for the body and soul, I’m sure that I have “overslept” and the recharge is debateable as I’ve been yawning for the last half hour. 

This will official be known as the “lost weekend” as even when I decided to arise and feel the carpet beneath my feet, it was for a mere 20 minutes – to take an ASOS delivery (it’s the small things) which I’m too weak to open and try on 

So I’m going back to bed, calling this weekend quits and hoping that Monday will literally be a fresh start ! 

Emotion · Friendship · Letters · Love · Relationship · Women

The Power of “Advice”

It’s crazy that we live in a world where everything is so easy, accessible, disposable even – that we are constantly looking for a quick fix. 

When the walls of your life start to tumble, we tend to look for people who have their ish together and seek out their advice – I’ve often been that person that people turn to and I think I’m quite good at giving a balanced view. 

But I always lead with the disclaimer that my advice is purely “my take” on the situation and it is more of an opinion than an instruction. This is so important that I make this clear because I know the power of my words. 

Think about it….. when you share your opinion there is no legal requirement to follow through, it should not damage your friendship (if not taken) and it is more than likely influenced by your own personal experiences or situations that have happened around you. 

Giving advice can be a battle between your moral compass and past circumstance 

If you do not allow your personal experiences to completely cloud your judgement, you should be offering an outside perspective that it’s hard to see when engulfed by the problem but I hear so often that friends are fueling the anger of those seeking advice and siding with them through misguided loyalty 

This is dangerous and made me think about the power of our advice….. 

The flip side is that once the situation has been shared, it can alter your opinion of other parties involved and this too may have an impact on future advice – So we need to be careful who we share information with.

I just know I wouldn’t go to someone bankrupt for money advice, so when it comes to relationships I also look at the track record. 

Judgemental ? Possibly but we have to protect our minds as much as our hearts. Remember the power of advice and the difference between that and just wanting to offload (vent with no dialogue) 

A planted seed (good or bad) has the potential to grow.